please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

My Photo
Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Lessons to be Learned from VH1's "High School Reunion"

1. If someone walks up to you after twenty years and says, "I love you from the bottom of my heart, and I always have," the proper response is; Oh no you do not. Because if it were actually true, they would have pointed this out to you nineteen and one-half years ago at the latest.
As opposed to it just meaning; I am insane, and on television.

2. The bitchy women of twenty years ago remain themselves, but in the meanwhile, they have also learned the language of victim culture, so if you tell them what bitches they are, they will respond with endless amounts of counselling speak about how you don't even know them, and they would never judge You...And basically how you still don't have any right to speak either to them or about them. They will even try to appeal to your adult sense of fair play that you've no doubt acquired by saying, "You're judging us, just like we used to judge you!"
So what you need to do is say, "Ironic, isn't it? Ya' leathery fuckin' cunts!" and laugh in their orange-skinned faces.

3. The asshole of the class, i.e. "The Troublemaker" will almost never have taken that next step into being genuinely interesting or entertaining. He will, however, have developed some sort of ideological thing where on the few occasions that anyone challenges him, he'll be all like, "That's just your opinion! If you don't like me, that's not my fault. Move on. MOVE ON!"
In short, he will have evolved into a Libertarian. This means that he is now passionate about individual rights, as long as the rights under discussion are his own. What you need to do is remind him that shit like this is why he will never get laid. That oughta do it.

4. The one who was picked-upon, for whatever reason, will have never gotten over it. Actually, this is not true of life necessarily, but absolutely true of "Reality". When they confront their tormentors, they will do this in such a way as to make you care a great deal less about whatever relative amount of pain they experienced in adolescence.
The rest of the house will help out, though, by browbeating the asshole bully until he apologizes in some really unconvincing way.

5. The Late Bloomer, just like you always thought, while now some simulacrum of Hot, is actually kind of an idiot. This will go unremarked.

6. People who are Not White are basically there as decoration, just like they were in the Eighties.

7. The Nerd is not necessarily more mature, or even smarter than anyone else. Indeed sometimes their deeply-harbored resentments are the worst of all, and since they're no longer teenagers, this is no longer cute.

8. The Big Secret will come as no kind of surprise to anyone who has been paying attention.

9. Even knowing what you know, it will be difficult to believe that these people graduated from high school.

10. Jacuzzis are gross.

(Note: photos do not necessarily correspond to actual identity. As always.)



Blogger Aunty Christ said...

Even worse, it's TVLand's "High School Reunion." Eeeeek!

9:39 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home