please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Treat Yourself to Quality Down Each and Every Aisle

These are actual TV listings:

(LIFE) Abduction of Innocence: A Moment of Truth movie ('96) Lumber heiress stands trial for her own kidnapping.
(STRZ) Mansfield Park ('94) A Girl Grows up with relatives and becomes a writer(PG-13)
(ENC) Car Wash ('76) Preacher, Cabby and others mingle to disco music.(PG)
(UPN) Seinfeld-Troubled Employee.
(UPN) The Hughleys-Ethnic barbs.
(TLC) How'd They Do That?- Storm chasers; bone-marrow donor.
(PAX) Diagnosis Murder- Someone is killing wealthy people.
(FX) NYPD Blue-Members of rich family are killed.
(AMC) Goodbye Charlie ('64) Tony Curtis-Shot by Angry Husband, a playboy writer comes back as a blonde, as his buddy finds out.
(DISN) Alley Cats Strike! ('00) Tim Reid. Teens join in an inter-school bowling rivalry.

These Are Not Actual TV Listings:

(FOOD) Let's Give Iced Coffee To The Poor (cc)
(TLC) Why'd They Do That?- Houseplant that belches fire; things.
(UNI) La Casa Borracho! (tvg)
(LIFE) Head In A Heart-Shaped Box ('87) Mare Winningham- After a tragic boating accident, Divorced woman cries.
(UPN) Punk Ass Bitch ('98) Martin Lawrence, Jamie Wayans- Large Feet Jokes.
(TNN) $mack-Robert Urich.
(AMC) Dial M for 'Miscegenation' ('64) Richard Basehart-Man's own daughter puts her hand in an ape's.
(STRZ) Drunk Guy From Another Planet ('83) Bill Cosby, Jason Robards- Actually a detailed account of the Teapot Dome scandal of the Harding administration.
(FAM) Monkey Angels!-Richard Thomas.
(FAM) Bronze Age Club-president of Me Think Fags Bad, Africans.
(FOX) Get That Crap Off My Fridge- Comedy.
(ESPN) Yer Outta There!- Great Sports Deaths.

I'll Let You Guess*:

(LIFE) Gone In A Heartbeat ('96) Jill Eikenberry-Teens kidnap heart patient, leave her out in the cold.
(DISC) Justice Files-Drugs and alcohol contribute to accidents.
(WB) Caroline In The City-Cancellation.
(ABC) Dharma & Greg-Mysterious Box.
(ABC) The Geena Davis Show-Acting.
(CBS) 60 Minutes II- Forensic psychiatrist spots psychopaths in the workplace.
(FAM) The 700 Club-Depression.

*Okay; those were all real.

And our friends at Something Awful have done it again. Actually, they do this sort of thing every day; taking the incisive making-fun-of-something and making it into an overarching story. Brilliant.
So please read The Invaders. "You have always been a smart friend to me," indeed.

Another version of me is having a weird little argument about the name of a popular Ethiopian dish, over on the AV Club blog. This is perhaps the only place I can think of where one's lack of oversight concerning a cuisine from the Horn of Africa would get one pegged as a "philistine". I can only assume that this will get worse.

I continue to answer weird-looking ads on Craigslist that promise unlikely amounts of money for very little work. One guy promised four hundred dollars for helping him move his shit from one apartment to another. When I emailed him, "Nelson Hudson" replied with this moving piece of weirdness:

I need someone who is honest cause I'm a Reverend and am on a missionary assignment,I want the moving to be done before I get back to the states ,I already made arrangements for the payment and also the keys to the apartment,my landlord will be showing you the apts so the locations shouldn't be a problem,I will be calling the landlord of the old apt so he can be around the house for packing,I will instruct my client to issue and mail out the payment he owes me so you can deduct the $400 which I believe is a reasonable amount for moving the items listed and have the remaining funds wired to the landlord of the new apt via western union so he can bring down the keys down to you or he could be available when you drop the items,the remaining funds you will be wiring to the new landlord is the balance payment for my new apt,I'm only doing this cause I'm presently out of the states like I said earlier and i want things to go smooth and perfect.Would like to know where you stay so as to be rest assured if this will easier for you or not.

I wrote back to say that my vehicle could not accommodate a refrigerator.

As I've seen before, the Internet has provided a wonderful new outlet for chain letters, which in the past had to be written on paper and put in the mail with expensive "stamps". Now any old freak with an internet connection can do things like this:


I received a telephone call last evening from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service Technician (could also be Telus) who was conducting a test on the telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test I should touch nine(9), zero(0), the pound sign (#), and then hang up. Luckily, I was suspicious and refused.

Upon contacting the telephone company, I was informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting individual full access to your telephone line, which enables them to place long distance calls billed to your home phone number..

I was further informed that this scam has been originating from many local jails/prisons

DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE.

The GTE Security Department requested that I share this information with EVERYONE I KNOW.

After checking with Verizon they also said it was true, so do not dial 90# for anyone !!!!!


I note that this email originated in Hawaii. I wrote back that
"No: that one stops here. In the unlikely event of some guy claiming to be a lineman showing up at my door and asking me to do something for him, I'll say no. This message originated from pretty far away, and they're a little too interested in as many people as possible getting it in their inboxes."

So an old practice is alive and well. Hoorah. I like old things.



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