please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Beauty of Ads, and Ads of Beauty

Me: successful trial lawyer in 1950's Los Angeles. You: my personal private investigator and butt of most of my jokes, built like a refrigerator. You really wear that suit. I need you to do some digging for me, Paul.

I enjoy ethnic food, small special people and lips. Freakishly big lips. With bulging eyes. Loincloth, bone through nose; spear. Under 5" tall, speak in clicks and pops. Me: 300 pound shut-in, live with mother.

You: speaking wad of dough on my television, touting the benefits of your warm, steaming cinnamon rolls, holding frosting tube and crotch level and giving a good, hearty squirt. Then you laughed, in your high-pitched girlish way. Buddy, what are you trying to do to me?

Was giving plasma at plasma bank. Asked you (working there) out on date. Laughed at me. Why haven't you called?

CORPORAL CUDDLESWORTH! Reporting for duty, sir! I've re-upped, and am looking at an extended hitch, due to backdoor draft!

You: Painter of Light, painting the light of my soul. Strumming my life with your fingers, killing me softly with your song. Me: not sure, really.

I saw you in the SmartMart, and we were hangin out over by the magazines, and you saw the one Deer and Hunter one with the guys smiling with the camos and the safety orange caps, and you said that that was a pretty big buck and I said so too so you and me hung out talking about guns and camos and elk and buck until one of us said hey lets buy some beer and go home and watch the Sportsman's Channel so we did, and after that you said you wanted to show me your "toys", and after that it all gets fuzzy.

Mature adult, 46, seeks employed, classy lady for evening time entertainments. No weirdoes.

DEAL FLIPPED! BACK ON MARKET! Like new, slightly used "fixer upper". Needs a lot of love and attention, plus maybe some work on "shingles". "Leaks" a little, but warm and "cozy". Shag "carpet", "rumpus room"...Section 8 welcome. Credit check.

cashier checkout one login. progresso chx/veg (2) 4.50 marlboro gold 100's 5.75 mikes hard lemonade 6pk 8.00 total: $18.25. log out. why you log out? miss you.

Me: fop. You: prick-me-dainty. Swooned at the sheer audacity of manservant attempting to serve terrapin and canvasback! Had flogged. Mislaid both handkerchief and beauty-mark. Carriage ride home: Had simply dreadful vapors. Interested, dear sir, in visiting your Rooms, perchance to Spend.

You: Maverick cop who doesn't play by the rules. Me: By-the-book Lieutenant.
Dammit Maverick! You have any idea how much that little stunt of yours last week cost the taxpayers? DO YOU? If I ever so much as get a whiff of you cutting corners like that again, I'll bust you down to ticket-taker at the toll-booth on the turnpike! Don't think I won't do it! I'm putting you on administrative leave followed up by desk duty for the rest of the- YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I CARE! DON'T YOU EVER - I'm sorry Maverick, but you're off the case... I'm- NOW DON'T GO GETTING ANY CRAZY IDEAS ABOUT GOING AND TAKING THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS! THAT'S WHAT YOUR LONG-SUFFERING PARTNER WHO WAS ONE DAY FROM RETIREMENT DID, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!

(For more of this kind of thing, by all means look here.)

Found this weird little exercise in an old notebook of mine the other day:

A Catalog of Helpful Pamphlets, from Chas. A. Toilston
& Sons in Law, Independence, Mo.
"Westward the Way of Empire Takes Its Course", c. Eighteen Hundred and Eighty-Four

IF YOU ARE OF DUSKY HUE: A Guide toward being lazy, shiftless and no-account for Neegroes.
  • Proper uses of colloquialisms such as 'jelly-roll' and 'getting (one's) ashes hauled'
  • On Miscegenation: "Stay offen dem white wimmens. De Mistahs, dey string you to a tree."
  • How to shuffle effectively toward a modicum of worldly success
  • House Neegro versus Field Neegro: the Necessity of Place
  • Religion: All you got, brother.

IF HE FALLS INTO A PORK-PROCESSING VAT: A Guide for Widows of the Tragic, Though Inevitable, fatal accidents that plague modern industry
  • Thugs, Accidental fires and Community Disapproval: Why you must never sue The Employer
  • Why you must not swear off consumption of Pork Weiners.
  • Prostitution: A lively option for the future!

A SMOKING CRATER WHENCE STOOD OUR FOE: On why Almighty God commands that We As Americans must smash those Pygmy Nations elsewhere in the World.
  • The importance of aged, syphillitic admirals in the shaping of International Policy.
  • Poor Burrheads: On why the rest of the world must not look after its own affairs.
  • Indo-China: Golden Crescent, Land of Our Future Triumph
(Oddly enough, a few pages later I find the actual advertisements that inspired that one. Here are a few selections from...)

Comfort Magazine's 'Emporium of Bargains and Oppurtunities', July 1934

"Ladies. Dr. Cheeseman's Pills give positive relief. Absolutely harmless. Best for over 100 years. Double strength 2 dollar box. Sealed."

(under "Miscellaneous")

"Rubber Goods of every description, mailed in plain wrapper, postpaid by us. Write for mail order catalog, saving 50%"

"Amazing Profits selling new instant skin whitener to colored people. Wonderful demonstrator whitens skin ten shades instantly. Write for free sample and liberal offer."

"No dull times selling food! People must eat!"

More of this sort of silliness next time.



Blogger disco boy said...

this was fun. i love a whomped-up personal ad!

3:07 PM  

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