please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Monday, January 22, 2007

Eye Sawed Yoo: Chance Missed Meeting Personals Encounters!

HAWTHORNE, UNDER THE BIG BURGERVILLE BILLBOARD, 8/30: You, woman, dark hair, dark eyes, tee-shirt. Me: guy, blonde. We did not speak or even achieve eye contact. You seem very nice. Wanna fuck?

HIPSTER IDIOT ON SCOOTER, polluting lower SE with inefficient, lawnmower-esque engine, surrounded by maybe 20 other hipster idiots, thusly arrayed. Me: your sworn enemy.

You: lady cop on bicycle. Me: freshly out in the sunlight following mid-day boozing in public. Smiled at me. Though you are almost certainly either married or a lesbian, I love you and only you. Coffee?

SANDY HUT, TUES. NITE: You were the loud one who kept whooping, surrounded by people barely tolerating you. I was looking at you for a minute, thought you were sorta cute, then I noticed the bitchy, childish darkness in your eyes, the crimped brow, the spiteful little mouth n' chin combo, and foresaw you, not too long in the future, entirely consumed with bitterness and alcoholism, friendless. Decided not to approach.

WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS? 'Arch-nemesis' is hardly a thing to call someone as friendly as myself. 'Stalker' is just plain unfair, and restraining orders just lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Ever since you became Mayor, you've changed. I didn't want to have to be the one to say it.

You: running for Mayor of Olympia. Me: don't know you at all. You described yourself in the voters' pamphlet as both 'schizophrenic' and 'available'. Sir, your honesty is refreshing. Wanna fuck?

DANNON YOGURT AD: You are eating yogurt, woman. I am watching television, man. Lunch? More?

(And this one's real; it was headed as "The girl who worked? True Brew". It's notable for its weird misuse of quotation marks.)
still think you are the most beautiful girl in portland . where/who are you? i still don't know your name. you "had" angle cut bangs. i still hope to "bump" into you sometime.

(And another one of these strange spam things that turn up with increasing regularity in my hotmail inbox:)

Good Day,

Let me start by introducing myself, I am MRS MARIFE CARREON DERONA, CREDIT ACCOUNTS OFFICER EQUITABLE PCI BANK. I am writing you this letter based on the latest development at my bank, which I will like to bring to your personal edification. I am writing you this letter with so much joy and excitement even though my heart goes out to the very powerful and distinguished gentleman who I was fortunate to have worked for and extremely privileged to have known for numerous years. I am a top official in charge of client accounts in EQUITABLE PCI BANK inside the Philippines.

In 2001, my client was going through a horrendous divorce in the United States of America and was on the verge of losing most of his estate to his vicious and diabolical wife. As a result of this alarming predicament, my client came to me with a very brilliant idea. He transferred some funds, ten million two hundred thousand dollars ($10.2m) to a fixed deposit account in my bank under an alias which only the two of us knew about as the confidentiality of the matter was necessary for his protection.

Due to his untimely death in early 2002, the funds have been sitting in the account ever since and will continue to do so perpetually unless we do something about it. This is where you come in. I located you through an agency that helps seek people by their email. My client did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I would like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to our client so that you will be able to receive his funds. I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we can come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to my client. All that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job.

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the transfer of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There are no risks involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. The allocation of our money will be as follows: 20%($2.04m) to you for your part in this, 75% for me and my partners and 5% for any unforeseeable expenses we may incur. I think this is extremely fair, as you have nothing to lose but just a little time, while on the other hand I am staking my flawless reputation among other things. And besides $2.02 million is no pocket change. Once you are approved, the entire transaction should take no longer than twelve business days after which we will go about our daily business, but just millions of dollars richer.

As you can see this is easier than taking candy from a baby, but mind you, trust is something that is developed over time and that is something that we do not have. So I have to let you know that it will highly unfeasible to try to run away with the money because even though only you can transfer money in and out of your account, the transfer can only be authorized by my department of which i happen to be the head. The money will be transferred from my bank to an account you will provide. So please, there should be no room for greed because ten million two hundred thousand dollars can quench even the most insatiable desire for the almighty dollar.

Again, I will be in charge of everything else. I will assume all responsibilities for this endeavor so you don't have to worry about any legal ramifications, just what you will do with all that money. Your urgent response is highly anticipated so please email me.

This should be kept very secret and confidential. I believe you know.

(I like how it goes so easily from friendly to threatening. "It will be highly unfeasible for you to try to run away" is something I can easily envision being said by a James Bond Movie Villain. The juxtaposition of powerful/distinguished and vicious/diabolical is nice too: come to think of it, 'diabolical' is a word that rarely appears outside of James Bond movies, too. And the suggestion that Marife can trust me and only me with this information is sweet, despite the fact that this thing was bulk e-mailed to fuck-who-knows how many people all over the world. "Which I will like to bring to your personal edification" indeed.)

(And this little bit o' creepy:)
Night nurse shod in pale blue: I miss you. I wish that you were here with me. I'd do anything to get back to that night.
(Drinks? Enemas?)



Blogger Who, Me? said...

I'm willing to venture a guess that the ending that goes "let's fuck" will yield any of the following responses:

*Nod, eyebrow raise
*Slight devlish smile
*Slap in the face

Hey. Two outta three ain't bad...

8:35 PM  
Blogger rich bachelor said...

It's certainly in the same neighborhood as 'wanna go back to my place and check each other for ticks?'.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Gringa Alta Prima said...

And my personal favorite:

You: beautiful lady at grocery store, brown hair, wearing blue. Me: gentleman in beige sweater. You smiled at me. Coffee?

Is this easier than placing a personals ad? Or is it just a social experiment? Either way, I bet it generates the highest number of responses.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Who, Me? said...

Well, yea, who can turn down coffee???

10:27 AM  

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