please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Errata & Addenda, with Updates

(Because hindsight is so damn shiny: of course I've been wrong about a number of statements made here in the last almost-three-years. Where the wrong is addressed in the comments, I'll let it stand that way; often the corrector is, themselves, incorrect.)

"For my feat of cookery this eve, I believe that I shall take the various parmesans, reggianatos and cave-aged gouda cheeses that I have been aging further (as an experiment), grate them, then take somewhere in the neighborhood of six egg whites, whip 'em up with dill and a bit of Pico Pica sauce, add the salmon I baked off last night, and some onion caramelized in bacon grease, and create a fucking masterpiece. The capper is that the resultant mix will go in the microwave. Yes: just like McDonald's does it. This is to give it that infusion of oxygen, as the cellular structure of the dish oscillates, that will cause it to puff up beyond all belief. I might add some tomato or asparagus, too."
------------------------------- from 'Hear It? Hell, I Can See the Motherfucker!', March '05

(I probably don't need to tell you that this dish was disgusting. But it was.)

"Years previous, I had experimented on myself. I was trying to determine if what I had heard-that niacin brings you down from LSD-was really true. I went out to George Rogers park, sat beside a spring, played the flute, wrote a little poetry, and after an hour, took niacin. I had determined that it reduces the psychological aspect of LSD, while there were still some residual visual distortions."
------------------from '911', September '05

("...wrote a little poetry and masturbated" was how that sentence should have ran. Don't know why I became such a damn blushing violet in this case. I also didn't become a 911 dispatcher, as was my plan at the time. Furthermore, if you look in the comments section, you find some dork who called himself 'Anonymous Asshole'. If you go there, you'll see that he only posted once, and is just tired of you and all your nastiness: "I am fed up with people like you. How dare you belittle other people with your piddly little comments. Grow up, already." He then spent the rest of his career tooling around the blogosphere, belittling other people with his piddly little comments.)

"I don't remember. In any case, her faculty is a published author, and the kind of person the media calls on when they would like to trot out An Expert. He asked a funny question the other day: "Who was the first president of the United States to declare war on terrorism?"
I would have answered Johnson, had I been there, but I would be wrong. His quote was, "This isn't a war against a particular country, but against tyranny." Close, but not quite the same abstraction.
Teddy Roosevelt. That's the answer. Then the teacher asked, "How did Roosevelt become presiedent?"
I'm gonna brag here, she knew this because I told her. Th' lady answered that he had been McKinley's vice president, when Bill got shot."
----------------------------from 'An Indulgence', September '05

(I apparently was not the one who told her that one, and it really pissed her off, causing her to stop reading my blog for a while. I made things worse by never going back and changing it, but I pretty much never edit: this is an online diary, remember? We can be wrong.)

"Cash Bastard, you've jacked me around for the last time!
don't be ridiculous. we're never going to make any meaningful connections this way. We spend far too much time sitting on our asses getting drunk in front of these benign radiation sources as it is. we decide these things, so we say."
---------------------------------from 'The Last One Left Awake', October '05

(Oddly, whenever Bee used to refer to me on her old Gather blog, it was by that name. Or maybe it was just 'Cash'. In any case, she'd never seen this post.)

(The entire post titled
'Helix', October '05: Petunia eventually moved back out to the farm, and her loveless, sexless marriage. Th' She Bear seems to be doing just fine, though.)

And this: the New Boss has been sold. Yup; so shortly after converting form a music venue ("We were losing our souls," one of the bartenders told me) to a pool hall/salsa dancing instruction concern, they decided to become a cowboy-themed bar."
----------------------------------------from 'What The Market Will Bear', November '05

(Aaand here we are not so many years after that, and said themed bar is gone, with a bunch of vague mutterings about 'unscrupulous people' on the part of the ownership, and a great deal of chuckling -about what an awful idea the whole thing was in the first place- on the part of the community at large.)

"Frankly, I just hope the P.O. feels like employing me."
----------------------------from 'Not A Republic', February '06

(I did not, ultimately, become a postal carrier.)

"We're getting near a place where we have enough footage for a first episode to be podcasted. The impulse here (and this has already been a problem) would be to fine tune the damn thing ad infinitum, and never actually reach a final product that can be shared. We are, at various points, going to be discussing just about everything that can be discussed, so the impulse is understandable. I intend to suggest that we get to a rational finishing point, and release the first salvo. It should be titled, I think, "Everything is Temporary".'
----------------------------from 'Everything Is Temporary', September '06

(Oh, but of course we never really got around to actually doing the damn show. Or may still one day, if the endless rewrites, at some point, end. And if I get more time in the middle of the night. And if most of the cast no longer keeps leaving town.)

Which brings me to my 'point'. Jaq, over at 'Confessions of A Female Misogynist', contributed this to the ongoing discussion of gender relations that is our lot here in this, the freest and best-endowed of all Vales of Tears."
---------------------------------from 'I Am Wonderful', December '06

(And what have we learned lately, about blogs allowed to lie fallow? Ex-act-ly! They get taken over by spam-bots! Of course, a certain amount of the old content is still there, right alongside broadsides for remarkably general things:
The Fashion
Learn about The Fashion.
Www Fashion
Helpful Links for Www Fashion.
Find Fashions.

and then, with a sick irony considering the tenor of the blog that was formerly the occupant of this space, the blogster herself is reduced to Product:
Confessions Of a Female Misogynist 3a Reason 2319
Shop for Confessions Of a Female Misogynist 3a Reason 2319, and deals on tons of other products at MonsterMarketplace.

followed by this:
Octane TV - Start Your Engines!
Watch the best Crashes, Racing, Drifting, Hot chicks and motorcycles. Free videos on demand.

Sigh. It's hard out there for a post-feminist sistah.)

"Like Portland Winter Night Sky Soup. When Booty was cooking and I was waiting tables, he finally confessed to me that he was afraid of soup (sorry folks; he's Lebanese!). While in the middle of a busy lunch rush, I grabbed a big ol' pot and proceeded to demonstrate to him how easy it actually is.
I chopped up one large yellow onion very fine, started it on the fire with lots of olive oil. When it was starting to get translucent, I added thyme and rosemary. When it went from translucent to mush, I dumped in enough white wine to cover it.
As that started to bubble, I chopped up half a red cabbage, added it in and waited for it to get soft. Whilst doing so, I peeled some garlic cloves and looked upon him pityingly.
The garlic went in, and thennnn comes the soy sauce! It saltens the whole thing up, and gives it a meaty, gravy-like flavor that one could liken to beetless borscht. Top it with some fresh grated parmesan, and you got this purple madness so reminiscent of Portland's sky at night, in the winter. And thus the desert is crossed, eh?"
------------from 'Man, It's Disorienting Being Me', December '06

(Well, in this otherwise reasonable recipe for a perfectly good soup, let the savvy shopper note that at no point did I mention that you should add WATER to this mix. But you should, and indeed; I'm not sure what this concoction would end up being otherwise. This also marks the first place the word 'saltens' appears in my lexicon.)

"Pushing to one side my dark musing that apparently January is fatal to Republicans..."
--------------from 'A Timeless Treasury of Golden, Classic Hits', January '07

(And of course, this was right before my grandma, who was actually described at her funeral as, "if nothing else, a Democrat", died.)

"Ronnie Reyes is the king of them all. He is a motivational speaker of some sort, or was, until he became addicted to gambling, divorced and a sort of Beyond The Valley of the Sad Clowns inspirational lesson in how Not To Be."
---------------------------from 'Awright, Goddammit', January '07

(This man later found my blog whilst Googling himself. Despite the fact that I said some pretty damaging -though not untrue- things about him, he was his usual needy self and wanted my advice about how to be...Better, or something, noting that I sure seemed confident enough. Other people would've torn my head off after reading that stuff. Ronnie wanted to be friends. I'm not sure if the link still works, as I have noted lately that Blogsource has ceased to be. There has been a post a-building about my weird interaction with this guy, but I've been waiting to see if he goes away first. I'm imagining that my posting his name with a hyperlink (!) will just begin the whole process all over again.)
(So, you will note, in Googling him, that he has a blog on Blogspot now. Sample quote:

"Why do I blog?
And journal?
And write and write and write?
What is the point of it all?
It doesn't really lead anywhere.
There's no beginning, no end, no structure, no story, no purpose.
I don't sell anything, I'm not trying to convince anyone, I'm not trying to run for politics.
I just don't know where to go from here."

And neither do we, Ronnie. Neither do we...Also, you must check out:

"Something like that. But recently, someone smashed a window at the union hall, reached in and grabbed a laptop computer that had scads of personal information on it regarding members, especially recent hires, like myself."
---------------------from 'Family Portrait', July '07

(And of course, last week I found out that someone had indeed hijacked my identity. Someone either is profiting from said break-in, or my old ATM card that didn't have a picture of me got away from me. They went on a shopping spree to the tune of several thousand dollars, but let's hear it for my bank: they immediately noticed it was all taking place in Vancouver, Washington, where I never go.
(So I got all my money back. Still no idea what happened there, though.)



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