please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Triple Beam Protection

You know, I was going on and on yesterday about how I don't really need a triple-beam scale, and how we don't really have any room for the damn thing, but now I'm viewing it as art.
It is far more aesthetically pleasing than a digital scale, and brings back interesting memories of junior high science classes.

Gringa Alta Prima doesn't need it, and for the time being thinks that I'm just holding onto it for her, but now I've decided: it stays, and let's start weighing things.

Now, th' Gringa took down her blog, Camilla-Jane, over the summer. But it's back, and what has happened to it is analogous to what happened to George's.
It has the problem where the space has been taken over by competing spambots. Whereas George's blog was suddenly replaced by a blog template, th' Gringa's was commandeered by some program that clearly hasn't had any human oversight for a long while.

You can tell this due to the unfortunate pairing of unrelated acronyms in the first post:
" Another option is a small business owner, with a
Professional employer organizations (polyoxyethylene). The poly ethylene oxide, also known as
Employee leasing companies, handle human resources functions ..."


And it just keeps going on like that. Then the inevitable happens:

"8 Reasons Why Your Man Isn�t More Romantic On Valentine�s Day"

It wouldn't be spam if something like this wasn't made available. How do I please my man, exactly? Polyoxyethylene?
First, some theories as to why your man isn?t...That way on February 14th:
"They can be expected, gifts of chocolate, romantic cards, and secretly retained in the fashionable restaurants.instead many men have psychological modules, enabling them from the more romantic."

Those modules sound kind of Scientological, if you ask me. There is also the problem, as there often is with material of this sort, with translation from some Asian language, which may or may not be the case with this:
"1. A person may not know how important it is romantic, the woman he is."

Although maybe that is so with this:
"2. Some men simply do not know how to do. A man may have never seen his father model romantic behavior, his growth process. Therefore, he has never developed a curry favor with skills"
Mmm. Sounds delicious. And it's right; some men simply do not know how to do. Having seen my father's growth process on a couple of occasions in various locker rooms, I feel that I...

"5. The man may be struggling with addiction. Forced to like alcohol or drug abuse, sexual addiction or provide an escape gambling,"
It is difficult, being a man. One is often forced to like things that, by the very nature of their wording, just can't be good. Also, helping gambling to escape its wrongful incarceration, while providing a sense of the heroic that we men need, strikes me as possibly being impossible.

"7. Some partners have repeatedly delayed. Husband to the well-off can buy flowers or restaurant reservations until it is too late"
I personally can make restaurant reservations for days. Until they find my corpse, phone in hand, still on hold.

There's a thing about why prepaid debit cards are good for you, in which the first sentence and the headline are eerily alike, then my favorite header of all:
"Don't Hire Someone to Steal Your Joy: Decorate Your Home Yourself!"

After this, two of my favorite posts from the original blog, "Harrison" and "Bender", though they have been rendered into giant blocks of text, with no breaks for paragraphs. So now I've seen how this can happen to an active blog, and how it can resurrect a dead one. Makes me wonder how mine reads in Malaysia.

And of course, all I have to do is hit 'next blog' a couple times, and out of the next five, four are similar babble:
"ve no, don't on the whole calculate not filial?""66 agreeable beauty picture areanot filial!"Ren Zong Da ."So, the mother who is person's son and doesn't know him for the monarch but again is everywhere drift calculate of without definite residence not66 agreeable beauty picture areaon the whole not filial?"

Again, part someone's blog, part weird sales appeal. And those are the ones that aren't entirely
awkward sales appeals.

** ** **

Not sure what else to say here. Last January when Bee and I named the New Year, we perhaps started a surreal tradition. I hadn't really thought about it until she asked me what I thought this one's name should be.
'Dane Bramledge' (say it), I decided. If there could be said to be a set criteria for this nomenclatural game, I suppose that it has something to do with being both a prefix for the phrase 'teen prostitute' as well as sort of sounding like an actual name, albeit in this Bizarro World kinda mirror image.

And I want it to be heroically dumb-sounding. I want old-school, leaky prostate, Hollywood He-Man of Decades Past kind of names like Steve Railsback, Gig Young, Richard Baseheart, Tab Hunter, Lee Majors...These could all be names that fit the above criteria, if you ask me.
So yes: happy Dane Bramledge to you and yours. More content-rich describings in the near-to-middlin' future.

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2 Comments:

Blogger JACQ said...

Happy New Year, RB! Long time no read.

8:10 PM  
Blogger George Popham said...

I free associated Mobert Bitch'em...

As the name of the new year, that is.

Robert Mitchum there, I was always kind of baffeled by him, he never seemed to be acting. He was more like a man who said lines. He was suppose to be some kinda hollywood tough guy, but every time he appears on screen it seems for a second or two as if some guy from corporate (á la 1952) has just popped in for a public service announcement, then you realize that what he is saying does in fact fit into the story. Also, he has never looked a day under 68, not in his whole career.

Anyway, happy new year to you and your'n.

Funny post, I'm amazed at just how much random cut up lit is just floating around out there on ye olde net. It has occured to me on occasion that Burroughs and Gysin are actually haunting the internet.

8:23 AM  

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