please stop tickling me

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Monday, April 03, 2006

Chain Gang

Hey it is Andy and john the directors of MSN, sorry for the
interruption but
msn is closing down. this is because too many inconsiderate people are
taking up all the name (eg making up lots of different accounts for just one
person), we only have 578 names left. If you would like to close your
account, DO NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE ON. If you would like to keep your
account, then SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. This is no
joke, we will be shutting down the servers. Send it on, thanks. WHO EVER
DOES NOT SEND THIS MESSEAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE CLOSED AND YOU WILL COST
£10.00 A MONTH TO USE. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST. NOW YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS or REPLAY. COPY THE WHOLE EMAIL.
GO BACK TO YOUR INBOX AND CLICK ON NEW. AND PASTE THANK YOU FOR YOUR
ATTENTION


"hey everyone, i dont normally send this sort of stuff out but had a look on
the internet and its actually true . On the 1st of november , we will have
to pay for the use of our MSN and email accounts unless we send this message
to at least 18 contacts on your contact list. It's no joke if you don't
believe me then go to the site
(
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1189119.stm ) and see for yourself.
Anyways once you've sent this message to at least 18 contacts, your msn dude
will become blue. please copy and paste don't forward cos people won't take
notice of it.
"

Back in the old days, this is what we would have called a chain letter. The letter would have been written on paper, but that really would have been the only difference.
Well, another difference is that in this case, they're not promising a quick trip to hell, disease or death: they've adapted to the times and are promising loss of internet service...Or having to pay for it, or something.
It sure as hell looks like a virus to me, or a great place to hide one. Many of the more famous viruses were introduced with seemingly absurd warnings like the above. I haven't clicked on that link yet, because it scares me. Mission accomplished.

The message originates from my friend Simone, who currently lives in Scotland. I don't know if she's just unfamiliar with the concepts (chain letters and computer viruses), or if someone just hijacked her Hotmail account. Note that she seemingly wrote that bit at the end. Doesn't sound like her, but who can say?
She hasn't sent me an email since last year. She had sent a picture of herself in her room in Edinburgh, and had failed to cut it down to a viewable size: it was a picture of a corner of her desk or something, and if you scrolled allll the way over to the next county, you eventually saw her.
"BIG HUGE SIMONE!", I wrote back. She may very well have thought I was making some not-very-Rich-like crack about her weight. In any case, she hasn't called since.

I like the "Andy and John directors of msn" part. Whoever wrote this might as well have described themselves as 'The Boss of You' or something. Also the whole "msn is closing down" section. That's technical talk there: no wonder I don't get it. That and my "msn dude" turning blue.
I just emailed her a moment ago (with the tagline, "you gave me herpes!" just to get her attention concerning the potential virus), but it's sort of the middle of the night over there now, so who can say?

My associate Bitchslap the Monkey recently procured employment with a little upstart, ramshackle outfit named Google, who seems to have moved a plant to Oregon. I appeal to him now (and because I haven't talked to him since he went down to Georgia) to look into this weird ass issue.
Or is it you, ya' dirty monkey? "We will be shutting down the servers" indeed. I know how much you hate Andy and John.
Take this to heart, and send it to eighteen other bank account holders in your area.

BY THE BY: DON'T OPEN UP THAT HYPERLINK UP THERE. IT REFERS TO AN ACTUAL NEWS STORY ON THE BBC, YES, BUT THE LINK ITSELF LEADS TO NOWHERE AT ALL...AS FAR AS WE'VE NOTICED. SO DON'T FUCK AROUND. IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME TO EVEN DANGLE IT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE LIKE THAT.

And Jacq: my mom's fine, thanks for asking.

Labels:

19 Comments:

Blogger Jacq said...

I hate the chain email thing. Even if someone close to me sends them!

So happy to hear about your mom.

5:56 AM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

I usually direct the chain mail senders to snopes.com It will bust about 95% of the crap people believe.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Jacq said...

I wish people would send me stuff WORTH reading, like you do, Cats!!!

10:54 AM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

I wish more people had that opinion about the stuff I send out via email jacq. Most people in my address book get pissed off because its not some stupid joke. Although I must admit I send those too on occasion.

5:17 PM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

Hey - where is our host? The bachelor pad is full of people but our intrepid leader is AWOL.

5:18 PM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

Alright then, wanna hear the world's greatest story? Here goes.

Some years back David Letterman started putting ornaments of unusual distinction on his show's Christmas tree. Most often this consists of things like a pizza and a giant meatball. One year he invited some of the NFL's greatest quarterbacks to wing a football at the tree in order to knock down the meatball. None of them were able to do this even with several attempts. On that particular show there was also a comic actor named Jay Somethingornother scheduled to appear. Jay took one heave from across the stage and promptly destroyed the tree toppings. Since that night it has become a tradition. He also tells the following anecdote during each annual appearence. Back in the early 70's Jay and a partner were new to showbiz and working as deejays at a local Cincinatti radio station. During one particular weekend they had a live show staged from an area car dealership. Clayton Moore was the celebrity guest and he showed up in full Lone Ranger regalia. He was very nice and professional and the guys had a wonderful time hanging from the top of a telephone pole and all the other wacky things radio personalities do. After the show it was discovered that Mr. Moore's car had broken down and the two very stoned deejays were asked to give him a lift to the airport. Moore sat quietly in the back seat as the car scooted them along to their destination. Then suddenly they were smacked into by a big fancy Mercedes that had run a red light and the little car they were in spun out of control through the intersection. When Jay and his friend got out of the car they angrily confronted the other driver who was standing there all smug in his fancy business suit. When he refused to present his insurance information or pay for the damages they threatened to call the police. "Go ahead" he said. "Who do you think they're gonna believe, a well respected businessman such as myself or a couple of long-haired hippy scrounges like you two". Just about then the Lone Ranger, who the boys had completely forgotten about in all the confusion, crawls out of the back seat and says "They'll believe ME, citizen!"

There you go - the world's greatest story. I felt I should entertain your guests for a bit there Rich.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Jacq said...

Yea, RB. Where the hell is ya? Cats has taken the liberty to entertain us. And he did a fantastic job. heh

6:43 AM  
Blogger rich bachelor said...

First off, you two scamps need to get a room. Somewhere between your two locations, preferably: Wisconsin, say.
Secondly, the Lone Ranger story had me and all others in the room laughing the fuck out loud.
Thirdly, I was working in the warehouse yesterday, and had no computer access. Last night was live sketch comedy night at the Jasmine Tree (which they're tearing down to make way for the streetcar. Cats, you ever go there?).
Lastly, Simone wrote me back. Let's take a look at that:

"Hey rb, sorry about that. i totally got chumped with that. Far as I can tell, it hasn't given my computer AIDS. So sorry I'm such a sucker!!!!!!!! I got it from several friends of mine and thought it was real. gullible I am, I really hope it didn't give you a virus and I'm very very sorry! it totally does look dodgy tho, and I shoulda known. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........"

"Dodgy", huh? Two years in Scotland, and even a little girl from Beaverton starts using a bunch of U.K.-isms in her speech.
I looked at that story on the BBC, by the way. Turns out that it's really true, at least for users in the U.K. I'll believe it when they announce it here, and don't use a chain letter to spread the word.
And then I'll get a gmail account.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Jacq said...

Well hey, someone needs to interact around here. You've been MIA.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Jacq said...

Actually, Minnesota suits me much better than Wisconsin. What do you think Cats?

;P

9:03 AM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

Sure, Minnesota works. I also know a nice little place in Colorado. Gives us both a chance to fly. So what are we thinking here? An A-frame house on top of a secluded mountain with a hot tub outside in the snow? Or maybe someplace more lively? You make the call Jacq. I like both ideas.

9:28 AM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

I'm not familiar with the Jasmine tree, Rich. They are tearing it down for the streetcar? So I guess we're talking about the NW area somewhere around PGE Park. I still wanna call it Civic Stadium.

How long do I have to visit there before it goes boom crash? Man, I really need to make it to Portland for some NW culture. Can't bear another season of North Coast stuff. Fisher Poets? Eerrch! We will need to attend another performance of Shanghaied as our niece person will be performing again this year. Maybe she'll have a bigger part too.

I have no idea what is happening in the big city these days. You'll have to invite me to something. Can I bring Jacq? :)

9:36 AM  
Blogger Jacq said...

Hmmmm....Colorado sounds great. Shoulda thought of that first.

10:24 AM  
Blogger rich bachelor said...

What's happening is that this formerly small, neighborhood-ly place is well on its way to becoming something less friendly and affordable.
That being said, I still love my neighborhood, junkies and all. I know you'd dig it too: hell, you even used to live around here circa twenty years ago, if I'm not mistaken.
The Jasmine Tree is up by PSU. I was sitting in there the other night noting the rapid extinction of all of Portland's tiki bars. It's a damn shame, and a crime against history.
We oughta make up an excuse for you to come up here.

4:26 PM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

"What the fuck" day isn't until September. "International Talk Like A Pirate Day" has already passed. We will have to make something up. I'm all for Nat Sherman Appreciation Day and Lost Weekend.

4:47 PM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

Jacq, you up for a long flight? ;p

4:49 PM  
Blogger Jacq said...

Hmmmmm.....I think I might get tossed to the curb if I go.

5:37 PM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

Yah, you don't need that happening.

8:08 PM  
Blogger cats dig me said...

What does one wear on International Talk Like A Pirate Day?


Any damn thing you want - Its TALK like a pirate day!

8:10 PM  

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