List-tastrophe!

I never quite got around to doing a list like the one that appeared on Mark Maness's blog, a ways back: a set of simple, declamatory statements about myself in 'I' form ("I believe", "I am", "I once ingested", etc.). So, as Strongbad might say, let's get this trainwreck a-rollin'.
I am a fourth-generation Oregonian.
I often darkly suspect that I will die strangely (i.e. kicked to death, eaten by dogs, etc.).
I always chuckle when someone uses the word "twee".
I once ate a quarter pound of pancetta, not realizing that it isn't salami, but Italian bacon, and really should be cooked first.
I know that within the chest of every bully, there beats the heart of a true coward. This is why I enjoy provoking them.
I have met every governor of Oregon, except for Ted Kulongoski.
I am a deadeye with a rifle.
I consider myself a servant of the principle of balance.
I enjoy making up fake commercials.
I once shook the hand of Dick Van Dyke.
I maintain that we are not what we think we are, nor are we what other people think we are (So what are we really?).
I once asked what I mistakenly took to be an interstellar entity for a vision of the end of the universe. I received it. More on that some other time.
I suspect that all human endeavor, on some larger level, fails, and that even though things sometimes work temporarily, ultimately nothing works.
I have heard the rhythm that guides the universe.
I do not currently own a car.
I am currently licensed to sell alcohol in the state of Oregon.
I am writing three novels right now.
I think that our current form of government is irredeemibly broken, and have no idea how to fix it, not that anyone's asked me.
I was raised in a town that labored under a double curse.
I am, at this moment, listening to this idiot howling under my window.
I am also typing and sitting in a chair, at this moment, to be all Gestalt "Now" therapy about it.
I am not currently dating anyone, which is probably not such a bad thing.
I have no idea what Mark Maness was talking about when he said he had a "concrete sequential personality".
I was born in a hospital that is now an old-folks home, in which my great aunt, Impi, died.
I am Scottish on Dad's side and Finnish on Mom's side.
I came within one round of being on Teen Jeopardy.
I am a two-time state spelling champ.
I kicked in a plate glass window and punched a hole in a wall the last time I quit smoking.
I saw my first dead body at age thirteen.
I am currently sharing an apartment with someone ten years my junior who does not drink, smoke or do drugs. He is addicted to having sex with everything that moves though, and I gotta respect that.
I play the drums.
I have a deep fondness for the color blue.
I lied when I said "two time state spelling champ": the second time I took second place.
I keep on attempting to spell 'second' as 'secong'.
I have a daughter who is fourteen, and a son who is sixteen, neither of which is currently living with me.
I can sometimes just stare at the sky for hours.
I once was the only straight writer for a queer newspaper.
I am on good terms with most of my ex-girlfriends, but there are a couple who, if they ever cross my path again, are gonna end up in a fuckin' pine box.
I refer to what I just said above as violating the Perry Mason rule: never even joke about killing people in public, in case they do, in fact, end up getting murdered.
I love watching Perry Mason.
I can always tell a person whose knowledge of the law was garnered entirely from watching television.
I am a hypochondriac who nonetheless engages in all manner of high-risk behaviors.
I am listening to King Crimson's "Lark Tongues in Aspic" right now. S'fuckin' brilliant.
I have met a lot of queers who are not gay, and a lot of heteros who are not straight.
I have only left the United States twice, and the continent once. Vancouver B.C and Bermuda.
I once responded to the question, "Have you ever killed anyone?", put to me by an ex-girlfriend, by looking at her darkly for a full beat before saying, "No," veeerrry quietly.
I have never killed anyone.
I may have saved a few lives, though.
I once ended a friendship after a guy threw rocks at me.
I have been able to see concerts by most of my favorite bands, as a consequence of working in rock n' roll.
I only have three teeth that are not false.
I enjoy playing pool, dominoes and the game of Risk.
I despise video games.
I try to not say things like 'I am (this)', preferring to say, "I currently believe", or something.
I am an accomplished chef, who has no desire to cook for a living.
I live over a queer coffee shop that recently was given a rating by a local weekly of not-quite-gay-enough.
I have a widely-noted fondness for rusty sharp things: I think they're pretty.
I am getting really goddamn warm sitting in this room, and call an end to this experiment.