please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Things To Not Do With Your Profile Picture, Ladies Night II

I felt that we perhaps gave short shrift to the ladies last time, in lieu of endless amounts of fella-ridiculing. What can I say? I'm a fella; I know of what I speak. But getting back to th' babes...

So let's see: this would be one where you think you are being charming, your friends no doubt found this charming, and frankly it probably was charming in the moment. But is that the same thing as what a stranger will probably make of it out of context?

No, I'm kind of thinking that your average stranger will end up looking at this one a bit too long to feel comfortable about it. Crazy face. Forced smile. "Cute" hat and trying to be precious about holding a fucking shell on a beach. It's the kind of thing boring people do when they're trying to be interesting.

Now, this one breaks two immutable laws of First Impressions: one, The Ghost of the Ex. He used to be there, and man whatta buncha pictures he's in! Can't find one of me without him! Crop! Second, and far more importantly, this is a picture of that thing you do that everybody thinks is funny when they know you already. Or they act that way because they're secretly terrified of you.

Again, you get some points for being honest, anyway. It's not your pic from senior prom, you're not substituting a pic of your kitten, you're not looking like you're posing for a Glamour Shots (tm) hazy Vaseline lens photo with the bustier and the satin couch and so on. You're being Real! You're takin' a shit with the door open! You're letting us in on what the reality of the situation! But what is that, if broken down into real terms?

I mean, what is it exactly that you're saying to the stranger here? I ain't so girly! Or, I'm drunk! I can be as unattractive as I want, and still be attractive because that's how attractive I am, got it?

As it happens, she's doing this in all of her shots.

One of two things is happening here: either she thought it would be kinda funny to fuck with people's expectations on this one, and kind of make a meta-joke about profile pictures, or she really honestly thought that this would be a good one, and she is in need of the kind of advice a good friend would have already given her.

Other, more sinister possibilities present themselves: she has demon eyes because she is trying to say I'm a demon. Whatever you do, don't do me. I'm a problem. I'm going to be interrupting this exchange of keys between two willing parties any second now, because I'm Ka-raaazzzyyy!!! Hey guys, how's it goin'? Oh shit, Trisha! Oh yer not giving that tie-wearer your key, are you? Well let me tell you...

Now, I think I know what you were going for here. You were showing off your arty side. You didn't go to Clown College (accredited) for a half year just to spend the rest of your life not entertaining people and bringing a little light into this dismal little world. You like David Bowie in his 'Aladdin Sane' phase as much as the next girl! You're giving someone a mime-job! You're showing how you escaped from That Place they sent you! Er,

You know, on second thought maybe I have absolutely no idea what you were going for here.

I Am A person. First and foremost. I need not distract you with shallow things like how I look.

I know that you are the kind of person who traffics in ideas. That you are the person who wants to spend their time in a mutually gratifying partnership with An Equal. You are a Good Man who cares more about how I think than how I would look, because you can tell absolutely nothing about a person by their expression, their...lowly countenance.

And because you think like me, and because you and I just know better than the rest of those people out there, I know that you will respect me in my decision to choose to forgo a picture of how I look in real life and instead offer a picture of a trite-as-fuck bumper sticker.

Squeezin' Diamonds! Or, Aw c'mon you guyyys! Date Me! Or, I have Passion! I live out in this bamboo grove because it's so PEACEFULLL! I'm trying like hell to remember the name of the band that did "Send Me An Angel!" It's right on the tip of my tongue!

Let's see: most likely it's the Passionate Photo explanation. How do I sum up how Passionate I am about things? My friends -who signed off on this pic, probably, and would have had time to veto it, presumably- said that maybe I should do that thing I do when I'm working hard! Out in the bamboo grove because THAT'S WHERE MY PASSION LIES!

And how else can you say it without words? My one friend said you could do it by looking just like Melissa Etheridge's first album cover:

But I'm not really sure that I'd take Char's advice about issues of The Heart anyway.

But you don't know the heart that beats inside the Breasts of Honest Lady 1991.
She is Just Her, Here With You, well...Let's let her tell it:

I'm very brilliant, clever, nice looking, healthy and fun loving young lady.Above all,some of the character traits that l possess includes;good sense of humor,good and noble manners,very transparent and genuine and the ability to concentrate and to understand-To mention but a few..About who lam,l may say I'm very dependable and trustworthy,living all fears behind myself now and building on strength to compensate
for the weakness...

Is what average sexy gentleman is wanting for, suppose.

This is picture of Honest Lady in Casual. She can just chillax in Recliner as like One of Boys. She has ripped pants fabric! She can tell the jokes dirty! She is willing to go get you A Beer! Well, to let her continue to tell it...

In view of this,I'm friendly and attract others to me,I'm always happy,looking forward to meeting and loving someone who will love me in return,looking forward to a great romance and am preparing for it by being positive.I mean a romance and a true love that will love a lifetime.....

That's an awful lot of periods for someone who didn't mean what they said, don't you think?

Honest Lady with the Fashion Hat! And the Model Pose! When these pictures were first taken five years ago in Herzegovina, she was told that she was going to be Top Model!

Since that time, she has relaxed her expectations and wants to be with You:

I choose to ignore negative messages from the past and will focus on positive hope for the future which includes being ready for a healthy love relationship and I expect and hope to see happiness,security,trust,self commitment,freedom,tolerance,hope, etc at its best as long as sincerity is not left out. We are getting to know each other from now and l can see how thrilled and excited you're behind your PC.Alright,I believe you understand the feelings behind my words.

I think it's interesting that she knows what kind of computer you have, isn't it? It's also interesting that despite her profile turning up on a dating site that serves a Portland, Oregon weekly, her neighborhood is "Youngstown" because she lives in Cleveland, Ohio.

Or, wherever it is that Rich American Grooms live.