please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Things To Not Do With Your Profile Picture

A lot of controversy surrounds the selection of profile images for online dating sites. If you say that you don't care what your potential partner looks like, I submit that you are a liar. (And if you only care what your potential partner looks like, you're shallow.) Above all else though; the people who refuse to show you a picture of themselves have only themselves to blame.
I mean, if all goes well you're eventually going to be meeting face to face, yes? So why not go ahead and represent yourself honestly? And while you're at it, take a little time to represent yourself well, too.

So, I bet what is really going on with this one is that you just didn't have a decent picture of yourself anywhere. You decided that a webcam photo of the side of your face, middle of the night, is better than nothing.

But I think what you're really saying here with this kind of image is actually subconscious: I'm just saying in advance that you won't remember me. I will be a blurry, hazy, washed-out half-memory. You know; that girl I dated once. She had...eyes of some sort. Nose-shaped nose. Hair of indeterminate length.

Just like choosing "Insert Witty Title Here" for your screen name, you do yourself a massive disservice by going ahead and a little too openly acknowledging how little effort most people put into most things.

If I had to guess, you picked this picture of yourself because you think it makes you look pixie-ish and cute. I fink I'd wike a widdle snuzzle fwom you now, pweeeze...Besides, that's Your Look You Do! It always fucking works! It never does not work! And thennn, your Twenties came to an end, and things started to change.

What the astute observer sees in this image now is the look of someone who desperately wishes for The Look to still be working. What you can't help but see is that fucking Thing She Does With Her Face that she'll be doing for the rest of her life.

Now, this one gets points for honesty. Here's how I really look. Straining away at some unseen task, not trying to be pretty. This is how I'm going to look at you when I'm wondering just what the hell you meant by that, and perhaps when I'm crying, as well. And this is probably the look I have on my face when I'm being fucked.

So yeah; this is the face you're going to be looking at for the rest of your natural life, if all goes as planned. How do you feel about that?
I say: Madam, there is something to be said for mystery in potential relationships. Step away from the real.

Now, I can even see what you thought was going to happen here. She's whimsical! Fun loving! Not afraid to have a bit of a laugh, even at her own expense! She has a...BIG, TERRIFYING FUCKING SAWED OFF TEDDY BEAR HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS!

And I'm sure it's my fault, somehow; I don't know her. I lack context for this image, but that also is why...WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? PUTTING YOURSELF ON A GODDAMN WEBSITE WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO ATTRACT SOMEBODY, NOT SCAR THEM FOR LIFE!

When all is said and done, what impression of you will people come away with? You should be asking yourself this question. You should seriously ask yourself this question shortly before selecting your profile picture.

Especially when the picture you are thinking of going with is heavily pixillated, and betrays an image of yourself as someone who yells a lot. Or is literally slack-jawed.

Best part of all, I bet you were doing something fun when this picture was taken. You were having a good time: "Oh, no you DI-N'TTT!!!" The problem is, the rest of us weren't there.

Women are mysterious, as is often noted by men. Women note this a lot too, somewhat mysteriously. Motives are hard to parse in anyone, I suppose, and we are all just big ol' puzzle boxes.

Nowadays, people can be all sorts of things. There is nothing at all saying that the chick on the Harley with all the tattooes will not make an awesome grandmother. That chick who you always saw blowin' dudes in the bathroom down at the Chunder Blow in the early '90's? Guess who grew up to be The Artist currently known as Your Mom?

Having said all of that, let's remember one of the great laws of advertising here and ask ourselves, now why in the hell would she want me to think of that jackass's underpants every time I think of her?

Now of course I'm pretty sure I could have charges of Being Mean levelled against me here. But look here: for one thing these are pictures of themselves that they chose to use on the Internet, and besides; I too have put up embarrassing pictures (as well as embarrassing remembrances) on the Internet so let's not bother with that line of inquiry.

Note too that I'm not going after people for being ugly, fat or anything you can't fix, really. I'm just saying about the choices they make. Also: plenty of them have the mistaken impression that putting up a picture of their dog is a good juxtaposition to make. It isn't.