please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

My Photo
Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Year of the Demon Cow-Beast Lord of Suffering

Least ways, that's what Wonkette has decided to call it. It has a nice ring to it. Sorta Thompson-esque.
So, like you might have noticed, the Bee's problems with bicycles continue. I hesitate to say where this particular spate of bad luck came from, but is it any wonder that it coincides with the reappearance of Mitch Albom in my life?

"Now you can show the world how much Mom means to you. Mitch Albom is inviting you to enter a short essay in the “Times Mom Stood Up For Me” contest. You and your Mom (or your special Mother’s Day someone) could win a trip to NYC to appear on CBS News The Early Show – plus a 7-night Royal Caribbean cruise!"-This piece of weirdness appeared in my inbox courtesy of, which is this blog-hosting site that I don't actually blog on, but still sends me fresh cuts of spam every other damn day. You oughta see the image that accompanies; him looking all sensitive and more understanding than you. Actually, that's it up there.

In our daily reading of the obituaries (for dual purposes of research and amusement) today, we happened across the name of a recently deceased woman: Alla Bye. Say it out loud.
She was named 'fake name', pretty much. Like 'Sue Doe Nym', or something. Shit like that makes me feel like something just walked over my grave. Like it's some sort of sign that the fabric of reality itself just got a little run in it. What could this portend? THE COMING OF THE DEMON COW-BEAST, THAT'S WHAT!

Or, on one hand, never ever Google your own name, Kids, it's bad for you. But I'm glad I did, since I found this remarkable thing:

"I went in for $10 unleaded and paid the nice attendant, Henry. When he left to get my change for me, I waited with my son when another White male attendant raced up to my window and began to racially assault me, calling me a Black bitch and n-i-g-g-e-r and yelling at me to "get up there to the store and get your change back from him so he doesn't have to walk it back out here to you...hahahaha". When I went to the store to report this Rich guy, the manager who was also White, Jay Stiley, refused to reprimand Rich at all and while I wrote down the incidents on a piece of paper Jay provided me, he left and went back into the store. Rich continued to walk back and forth past me lifting his balls in a lewd manner while blowing kisses at me, laughing the whole time."

Well ma'am, I actually was lifting my balls in a friendly manner. And why I felt the need to spell the objectionable word in question rather than just say it, I couldn't tell you.
The above is from ripoff report, where you may read the whole text. It's a wonderful piece of oft-misspelled complaint: pretty much everything that ever happened to this lady is due to racism. 'Bigoted' appears before pretty much every proper name in the narrative (except for 'nice attendant Henry'). By the way, here's what I actually saw in the Google excerpt:

"Meanwhile I spoke to Rich Bachelor's father and his comments to me were "I don't know where that son of a b--i-t--c-h is and if I never saw him again it wouldn't make me happy enough". Even his own father despises Rich Bachelor. He also said that he's not much of a good man and causes chaos and havoc wherever he goes. He said I'm sorry for what he done to you, but I hope I never have to see him again."

'Even his own father despises Rich Bachelor'. Siiiiigh...You know, in my misunderstood, unpublished novel, there's a character who is always referred to in such ways as "widely regarded as a fool", "known even to his closest friends as a moron", "resembling a drunk frog", at least partially because I love writing insults, and because the format of the book is that of a fake history text, so there'll be an index, right? And all the page listings for that character will be like 'responsible for irreversible collapse of civilization, p. 442' and 'known largely for his failures, p.56'. I love it. Wish I could be that powerful in real life.

And yet it continues. I received some mail the other day for Richard Irascible, CEO of Irascible Contracting. This is Bitchslap The Monkey's work. He set me up with subscriptions to these weird trade publications...Just 'cuz that's the kind of thing he does. Soon, I was getting monthlies about the Beverage industry, for instance, and could have attended a conference on Industrial Lubrication, for a nominal fee. I just didn't think this would continue beyond a half-year.

But...Here it is, and it says things like "A HUGE STRIDE FORWARD IN THE EVOLUTION OF A CLASSIC"-oh? What Earth-shaking topic could we possibly be discussing?
ROLLING BEARING ANALYSIS, is the answer. The "bible" for engineers involved in rolling bearing technology. Also, since they have no idea what sort of contracting my company is involved in, I am invited to "Transform tribosystems under extreme conditions to milder friction": "INTRODUCING THE NEXT GENERATION OF ADAPTIVE MATERIALS!"

That seems a bit broad. What about the Handbook of Lapping and Polishing; "The most current and complete reference in the field!"-i.e. the only reference in the field? Oh, no. Here: "the first source in English to bring to the light of day the physical fundamentals and advanced technologies at the leading edge of the modern lapping and polishing practice." Gotcha. Why do I suspect that this is even boring to the lapper/polisher in your family unit?
There's a lot of needlessly complicated sentences like the above. Consider:
"Why do so many students and practicing engineers rely on this book? The answer is simple: because of its complete coverage from low-to high speed applications and full derivations of the underlying mathematics from a leader in the field". Ohhhhh! That's what I thought you'd say!

Well, my life is interesting. Next post from California, if I notice something suspicious.



Blogger George said...

I think I got a digi cam for ya. Not too old and still works great... I'll box it up and send... i'd hoped to get it to you b4 you went to the Golden State, but oh, well.

So yes, I'm reminded of "THE TITANIUM BUSINESS OPERATION" and the inimitable "RIGID TOOL COMPANY"

Real businesses, as you know.

And I ran across another of those here what was it called? Damn, can't remember, but I will ask this, What is lapping? besides what animals do to drink, that is.

10:52 AM  
Blogger rich bachelor said...

'Rigid: Nothing Soft or Flexible about THESE tools', eh?

11:41 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home