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Location: Portland, Oregon

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Mounds of Delicious Pancakes

Ah, what the hell. There's definitely some addendizing I could do here with the Caliblornificatiog...Thing, too.

The Water
Yeah, I'd forgotten about this one. It's so awful, it rivals that of Twin Falls, Idaho. In this case, it is from the sea...Well, it almost certainly is not, but tastes of the worst aspects of the ocean (pollution, too much saline for drinkability, actual garbage and fish poop).
When asking one of our waitresses what the hell was wrong with the water in Monterey, I got the sort of response an overly servile waitperson will give ("Oh, you want that water? Instead of tap water? Greeat choiiice..."), as opposed to an actual answer. Too bad. She lived around there too, and had noticed how bad it had become...And still I only sorta know why. Because God shuns him some Callyforny, I suppose.
The next night, at the restaurant set in a building from the 1840's with this queer little plaque out front describing it as having been the scene of several "interesting occurrences" or something, the big, dumb waiter brought us our by-now-mandatory bottled water, but in glasses that had been washed in that goddamned Monterey water, so they still tasted like seal ass.

The People
The big, dumb waiter, by the way, was a California stereotype in the making. Here's what I saw: guy who had been himself the big football star in high school, right around '86 or so. So to compensate, he grew himself a stupid little ponytail for wear while working in a restaurant he fears may be a bit too hip for him, this being a Don Johnson-y type place where the men, you know, don't wear socks with their shoes. Twilight of a Champion; yes, I know, but in H-school, he was the coolest. Then he got out of high school.
It's true that people are pretty much the same wherever you go, and much of the similarity has to do with what a bunch of assheads everyone is/are. Do we really need to do the whole myself included! number? I don't really think so. It should be implied.
But should we then stop making fun of the ridiculous/inane/unfogiveable? Of course not. California is full of idiots, but it's hard to say, as I was in tourist havens. But even in Marina, with its syringes glowing proudly in the dunes, as the locals voice complaints along the lines of 'that's something a tourist would do...', I see that same old shitty insularity that passes for community, just about always, and I want to say: "Hey-you're the idiot who chose to live here, genius."
They drive like assholes too, but you already knew that.

Best Bars Ever, cont'd
Mortimer's, on Reservation Road in Marina. I cannot express the seediness.
The one place south of Carmel that is up on a cliff overlooking the ocean, whatever it was called. From the not-exactly-appropriate banter between our clearly drunk or hungover bartender and the rest of the staff to the chicken drumstick platter ("Drummies"!), they coulda served me something in a sock, and I'd still go there every day just to look at the ocean from a bar.

Hey! Check this out:

"Learn how you can make 50k per year (comm.+bonus)"
Yeah yeah. Whyncha promise me something you haven't already promised me millions of times?
"WHILE EATING MOUNDS OF DELICIOUS PANCAKES!"
EEEEEEEEEEEE! Oh man! I love me some pancake!
"(A little maple syrup never hurt anyone)"
Huh? Yeah, well I suppose you diabetics don't really want to make 50k comm. plus bonus anyway. Now tell me about the pancakes!
"At The Oregonian "Territory Sales Associate" Pancake Employment Seminar."
Pancake employment? Let's get back to where the amount of pancake I was being offerred was 'mounds'!

No such luck. As you can imagine, a 'territory sales associate' is someone who goes door to door bothering people. Thought it was nice telling the telemarketers for the newspaper to fuck off before slamming down the phone? Imagine slamming a door! In their face! But anyway, this thing is happening on a contiguous Wednesday and Thursday pairing late this month. You hafta listen to the sermon to get the pancakes probably, and it's being held at two seperate Elmer's (the local equivalent of IHOP, really) in buttfuck northeast and hateyousomuch southwest. I'll go though. I'll slam a pancake right in their face!
Delicious!

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6 Comments:

Blogger disco boy said...

hey... last i lived there, i lived in the southwest. liked it too.

but that's me. no, i didn't live anywhere near elmer's. but, no one steals your car stereo (or.. {inhaling sharply through teeth}... your bike) and if you can get along with old people and cleverly hide the fact that you are a renter, SW is your type of section of town!

me, i haven't been I-5 south of salem in... well, that's not true, i was floating around san jose for some work poop last year. apple headquartas, actually, but that's a whole nother story. hard to get that cali-vibe in the infinite loop of cupertino air conditioning. but really, it's been a while, and i've been feeling california, while looking a bit idaho. i'm pretty sure it's all this warren zevon, burrito brothers, cass elliot, and joni mitchell i've been listening to lately.

back in my po' broke and lonely days, i'd make what were called "ghetto cakes" where you'd through what ever you had into the pancake batter... banana, froot loops, honey, wheat germ, lamb shanks... it was better than it sounds. nowadays, i indiscriminately hate people who adjectivize the word "ghetto" just as much as the same treatment on the word "pimp". way to suck all the meaning out of the word, whiteys.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Aunty Christ said...

In case anyone wants to view said ad, I found this copy of it online. It really needs to be viewed to be fully appreciated.

5:28 PM  
Blogger CatsDigMe said...

So one of these incredibly attractive Territory Sales Associates will actually deliver steaming mounds of pancakes to my door? Is this a daily service? They must be some pretty enterprising individuals to be able to make 50K per year sellin' pancakes. God I love America!

5:01 PM  
Blogger thetulsakid said...

I think thats a mesa not a mound. But it just doesn't have the ring 'a mesa of pancakes' Perhaps they could offer me a somewhat more appropriately proportioned piece of flatware. I guess I could buy my own with the 50k. And what about the housewives and puppies of this fine town being put out of work(?) by toothy hooers from the media syndicate delivering breakfast and a paper every morning.

7:51 PM  
Blogger George Popham said...

Ok, so, one of my housemates is a mason.

What?

Look I live on the East coast now, from whence the whole world is administered and controled; out here we're lousy with masons, s'a cull'churl thing.

Anyway, this weekend is the annual pankake breakfast, and yes, there will be photos and much more rigourous documantation this year, check in with skoookumchuck monday.

Yup, I'll be exposing the movers and shakers who use mesas of pancakes as leverage to shape our world.

I think I fixed the comments problem BTW... I could explain but it wuld be boring... Blogger and google together are irritating.

BTW, I keep saying the words 'mesas of pancakes' to myself and laughing maniacally. Ths happens to me from time to time. I must go to sleep now.

8:37 PM  
Blogger CatsDigMe said...

Last time I laughed maniacally was watching the Daily show yesterday. According to their Iraq correspondent, the new Bush war plan is to air drop in a surge of millions of kittens. Even the most callous terrorist wouldn't blow up someone holding an adorable little kitten!

11:22 AM  

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