please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Friday, August 26, 2005

Beeswax (as in 'none of your')

Hm. Mysteries and secrets. My most oft-given piece of advice is: "Don't want people to find out your secrets? Don't have secrets." Nonetheless, we all accumulate them. Not everything is for public consumption. I've been A Sneak on a few occasions in my life, doing a bit of domestic spying to make sure that all is well. I used to be obsessive about it, but lately it's more like something to pass the time with, and very little at that. I learn what I need to learn and no longer ruin my stomach about it.
One of the great lessons of low-level espionage is that if you obtain information by inethical means, you need to either never use it or be very careful about how you use it. Another reason why secrets are poison, and are weapons against the possessor.
I have a few things on my mind today, and don't really know if I feel like discussing them in semi-public, if you couldn't already tell. When I pile up a few too many secrets, I usually just divulge them, for good or bad, and am done with them. Here? Well, it's easier to divert attention.
I haven't forgotten the tenets of psychic warfare that I learned from others and trained myself in, once upon a time. It's just that these days, I'm trying to use those skills for good deeds. Dunno though: everyone's got needs. If'n I'm trying to impress someone but not look like I'm trying to impress them while being myself but not so much that I'm scaring them away while signifying that there's a great deal that I know and have done but see it at the same time as no more meaningful than the things that everybody else has seen, done or known...And showing interest above all else, but not being a creep about it, that calls for pretty much every floor in the department to be working pretty hard. Honesty is the best secrecy. And the habitually honest are the best liars too, since no one ever suspects them. Their word is their bond, and so it is ultimately up to them to decide whether or not to abuse that trust, possibly for personal gain, or to attempt to make things a little better for everybody, but on the sly and perhaps in ways that would seem highly inethical, were anybody watching. For some reason, I don't have any problem keeping anyone else's secrets. Or, I know who needs to know and who doesn't.
Maybe I'm saying all this for a reason, and maybe I'm just fictionalizing. Who can say? Maybe I'm just engaging in that left over boyhood I-wish-I-was-a-secret-agent shit.
Like most American little boys, I was obsessed with war, but I never wanted to be a soldier (I noticed the 'die-er' part at the end, for starters). My granny was a wise woman, and when we were watching a movie one time, they were giving us the usual tour of what hell boot camp actually is, and she didn't say-"See? That's what'll happen to you if you join the armed forces." She said, simply, "Don't you want to be a Marine?"
Nope, I decided. Especially after I saw the concentration camp footage that they make you watch in this part of the country, circa seventh grade or so. My romanticization of war was offically done at that point. I decided that since soldier was out, athlete seemed unrealistic as did cowboy, I wanted to be a rock star/detective/secret agent/assassin.
I suppose that some little boys dream of being president too, but I never had that one, either. I'm actually one of the least secretive people I know, for the abovementioned reasons, but it does make one feel special to be in possession of a unknown fact. In the intervening years I just noticed how hard it is for people to communicate at all anyway, and decided that secrets are poison, and the ego is a weapon.
Hm. This was going to be a post about the records I bought today. Heatmiser, Delta 72 and Blue Oyster Cult. Now, I'm not so sure I'm into it.



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