please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Gin n' Platonic

Oh 'Strictly Platonic' section of Craigslist, why do you exist? Well, this fits the bill:

I found a wheelchair and I have some flowers I stole from the cemetery - m4w - 24 (SE PDX)

Yes, indeedy. Wanna push and be pushed, ride the MAX and take up too much room? Or, better yet, have a good time and not take life seriously? Srsly.

email me back, life's short.

** ** **

See? Direct, to the point, random as fuck and not specifically looking for sex, like the majority of the posts in this strange, confused section.

Perhaps it's just a place for the author of this one -simply titled "some exersize"- to go besides 'Rants and Raves':

I'm thinkin its time to get some exersize, maybe some runs or jumping rope? I feel like I need to be challenged when I run. Like a race. Anyone interested. Not so much in the racing...not trying to scare anyone off.

Perhaps you enjoy weird euphemisms, and have found a homophone for "assburger".

It looks like a romantic relationship that I was in is falling apart. That is why I am not seeking a romantic relationship right now.I would like some somewhat regular phone company to help me get through this time.

It was not my idea to end the relationship that I was in. The person that I was with found that relatonships are too demanding. I am sure that this is infact the case because I didn't really "demand " that much.

Things deteriorated to the point that it was impossible to do fun things anymore. She was somewhat of an "asperger" and from time to time it was pretty hard to read where things were going. Still. I cared about her very much.

I am a good and interesting conversationalist, and like to listen as much as talk. I would be interested in hearing from anyone interested in engaging in dialogue on modern realtionships or other interesting subjects.

There's lots and lots of these:

Hello ladies lonely looking to chillax and smoke some good chronic.. so if u wanna chill hit me up...

HELLZ 2 DA NOEZ OFFICER! I enjoy chillaxing as much as the next lady lonely, but I have the strangest feeling that this would immediately become something other than platonic.

Speaking of which...

I am 59 years old,relatively good looking,good job,good home,good company very good health,seriously looking for a decent woman 45-53 to get married,you must be classy,good looking must love sex,prefer blond with pale skin,must be able to come and live with me for six months NO Rent,No utility,i pay for all then both decide to get married,i know if you live with me for 2 weeks you want to get married.I love sex very much,love weekend trips,i workout every day and i am in a great shape.i am very caring,loving and very generous.Please NO provider,NO drugs.I will send photo through regular email not craigslist.let's get started and get married

Okay, so you're a little unclear on what 'platonic' means. Okay, you're a lot unclear. NO (health care?) provider? Despite his love for sex and weekend trips, he hates doctors? But yes, if you are as classy as he (and nothing bespeaks class quite like the word 'classy') you will endure a two week probationary period, after which you will both decide to get married. If not...Death?

So I am cuirous about who you like to date. Would you date me if you knew that I am nicer looking for my age? Remember I am not 18. I am hard working and monogomous. Would you date me if you knew I was a really good kisser? Would you want to date me if you knew I was a very good cook and keep my house clean and spotless? Would you want to date me if you knew I am not a gym bunny but take care of myself? Would you want to date a guy like me knowing probably once a week I would try to do something special for you? You know, maybe an extra nice meal, a sexy massage or have your bath drawn and tell you since you work so hard too you should do nothing tonight. I guess the biggest question is: Would you date me if you knew I was positive. Curious how many I lost with that last one. Wonder who will respond?

For one thing, the Socratic method isn't recommended here. It sounds like those rhetorical questions rendered by a non-English-speaker that show up in teevee commercials for 1-900 numbers: "How does sexy talk turn you on?", and "What do you like most about me on our first date? My smile?"
Matter o' fact, that is what's particularly wrong with this one: it asks too many hypotheticals. Yes, I hate an extra nice meal. I prefer my massages un-sexy, as supposedly you and I will just be platonic, and above all else, don't try to be cute about being HIV positive.

Friendship with aVoluptuous Fun Women - m4w - 30 (Bvrt)

Hello to all the fun Voluptuous outgoing women.

I am 30 years old, average guy, with no drama, and no baggage. I do enjoy going out watching all type of movies, going to concerts, watching all types of sports,going for a bike ride, walking around, drinking, dancing, and just enjoying time with family and friends durring a great sunny day at a bbq. I do sometimes enjoy giving back rubs, talking, and wearing lingerie around the house, and watching old episodes of tv shows.

I live in a nice area in beaverton, I do work, and I also have a car that I drive.

** ** **
(And he illustrates it with this. On a related note, the jpeg itself is named "maninbra", which sort of sounds like a fantastic Evil Villain Name, if pronounced a certain way, but of course still resolves itself to "man in bra" if you pronounce it another.)

Don't you just love how he sorta casually snuck in the 'oh, and I'd like to wear your undergarments' part of his missive? At first, after only a casual read, I had assumed that the picture is a suggestion for how you should look, should you choose to be his friend. But no. No.

I was with him until he got to the "old episodes of TV shows" part. Freak.

This one is laid out as though it were a song. Try to sing it! (I did.)

I would love to have a female friend to hike with!
I've been here 6 months. I haven't hiked yet.
I'm scared to hike alone.

I'm thinking of someone who has a deep reverence for nature.
kindness to animals. healthy food, healthy living. artsy/outdoorsy. indie music.
That sort of thing.
Not that we'll TALK that much during the hike. I adore the silence of nature, wild places.
But it's nice to vibe on a non-verbal level with the person you're hiking with.

I'm present, philosophical and psychological and an animist.

I have sturdy shoes and a backpack. I like day hikes or the idea of just a couple of hours.
I'm open and flexible.
If we got along, maybe we could go camping!!

DON'T TALK TO HIM! SHUT UP! HE'S ENJOYING THE MAJESTY OF IT ALL, GODDAMN IT! It's strange to see the word "animist" outside of an anthropology text. I mean, no one ever describes themselves that way, do they? They'd have to be awfully 'present' to do so, I guess.
And hey? When you're done with this long, subverbal day of fun, whaddya say we ramp it up a bit and sleep together in a tent?

From the department of 'This Should Go Well':

i want to propose to my girlfriend.

she's mexican. i'm not. she speaks spanish... i don't very well.

will you help me write something beautiful and poetic for her? i have a very special lady i want to impress... i'm kinda lost when it comes to the translation bit, and i want to sound like a native speaker.

i'm not really available today... but sometime this week or weekend?

will trade for drinks, friendship, and/or a cup of coffee.

By any chance, is your "girlfriend" a clerk at a convenience store? Is the cup of coffee you're going to pay me with from that convenience store? You're right. You don't very well.

looking 4 boy - w4mw - 100 (portland)

Date: 2009-06-15, 9:07PM PDT

write me if you know whats up.

(Seriously dude; I have no idea. That's all the more they had to say, god love 'em.)



Blogger LadrĂ³n de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

One of the best/worst I ever saw of these type of ads and that I wish I'd saved went something like. "I won't beat around the bush. My wife had a stroke and is in a nursing home. Now I need a femme sub." Then there was a picture of the guy in the lobby of the nursing home. I have nightmare visions of those who replied.

10:11 AM  
Blogger disco boy said...

weird al, speaking on the craigslist phenomena:

12:09 PM  

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