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Monday, August 04, 2008

Italics Mine

(From Jeraldine Saunders' 'Star Signs' for August 3, 2008, with needed addenda)

Aries (March 21-April 19) Enjoy your good fortune while it lasts. You'll be on top of the world for the rest of this week, but reality has a way of peeking through when you least expect it. To wit: you are constantly under the impression that you're running things, when in fact you are an insecure attention hound who is about as In Charge as anyone is, you delusional jackass. Stay Practical.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You'll be the magnet that attracts others to your charms in the week ahead. Wait a minute; did I just say that? Oh, that was redundant and obvious. I'm so stupid. I mean, what other 'magnet' would attract others to my charms? Stupid! You'll thrive in social situations-and it is a good time for reaching out to old friends. George always said, "You can always tell the drunk Taurus at a party." I wonder what he meant by that... Maintain an even balance.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Don't be left in the dark with the light bulbs going off in your head, even though that's pretty much always where you're at, as you're batshit crazy and everybody knows it. Make note of any ideas you may have for your intuitions are certain to be correct today, as they always are, since you live in a schizophrenic world entirely your own, so how the hell would you know if you were wrong? These notions may aid you later in the week when they have you in County lock-up, or the psych ward.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Home is where the heart is. Actually, I can't make fun of Cancers at all. I like Cancers. Spend quality time with friends and family and enjoy a cookout or picnic today. Which they probably will. Your personality is glowing and you're likely to make new friends during the week ahead. Yeah, they probably will. Likable, friendly bastards.

Leo (July 23-August 22) Deviate from the norm- which shouldn't be hard for you, huh? Always being so charismatic and out in front of the rest of these sheep, huh? They just wish they could be you! Try something new or exotic as a change of pace. Wayyy ahead of ya', chief, right? You live on the edge! That's where your summer cabin is! Don't tell you not to try something exotic or new because...That's just not gonna happen! The week ahead might be filled with ups and downs because everybody in this sign is manic/depressive, and it doesn't help when there's so many people out there who fail to pay adequate amounts of attention to you, huh? It kinda hurts, and sometimes makes you cry, and lash out at those who love you, huh? But you will have the stamina and ambition to hang on to whatever is worthwhile. Damn right you got the stamina, right? I mean fuck those people who wouldn't listen to you when you had the most interesting story to tell, and they just wanted to talk! 'Whatever is worthwhile' is whatever you say it is, and don't ever let any son of a bitch ever tell you otherwise!

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Your appraisals of situations and judgments of others will be right on target this week , but don't go getting a big head or anything. They're still all laughing at you, and besides, when was the last time you cleaned behind the cabinets that don't move? As correct as you may be, however, it would be wise to keep these insights to yourself so you don't stir up opposition. Because one of the worst things that can ever happen to a person is to have others disagree with them, as we all know.

Libra (September 23-October 22) Play to win. Er, I mean, you're so much more adult than other people, you're certain to win. You wouldn't stoop to such petty tactics as those other people employ. Mingling in social situations may seem just a pleasant folly and you're big enough to be understanding of the inferior coping skills of others, certainly, and can turn a kindly blind eye to their addictive behaviors and obvious dysfunction- but there is much to be gained from being in the right place at the right time-not that you would ever fail to do exactly what is right and proper, and for that matter, more profitable and mature-er than those friends of yours. Stay on your toes and don't miss an opportunity this week- well, I don't even need to tell you that, do I? I mean, it's right there in your sign's symbol: you're the most balanced out of all of us, of course.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) Avoid getting bogged down in routine. Go fuck them before they fuck you. You know they're going to. Don't let those bastards hurt you again, like they always do. Follow a friend or loved one into new and uncharted areas -no, fuck that. They're just like everybody else. If you can get away with killing them, do it: you'd be doing everybody a favor. An open mind will gain you valuable experiences this week that help you achieve major ambitions. For instance, think even harder about how unfair everybody else has been to you your entire life, and make sure to go out and never ever let them do what they always do to people as obviously nice and good as yourself.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Listen to your inner voice as this week unfolds. You are a magical being, and ever so divinely blessed. Whatever shit your brain is pumping out this week is twelve times more interesting and -hello!- more True than all the rest of these idiots. You're a wonderful child of God, and don't ever forget it, my special little one. Follow unerring instincts -as if you have any other kind!- to arrive at the right decision -or you know, whatever. Whatever you think is fine - and don't be afraid to heed good advice, although, the rest of these people spend most of their time being wrong, as far as I've ever noticed. Have you met most people? See a fleeting relationship for what it really is, i.e. something to throw all your belief behind, and make sure to completely overreact when it falls apart.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Don't be afraid to swim against the current , you brave soul, you. They'll never truly understand you. It may be fashionable to yield to peer pressure, but you'll achieve better results going your own way this week. It's just so- I don't know, people just always want you to be exactly like they are, you know? And I have all these ideas that no one has ever had before, and it makes me so mad that I can't just be completely different, but also have everybody like and respect me! I want to not be like anyone else, but have everybody appreciate that for the wonderful and truly radical thing that is! Is that crazy? Answer me! Stand apart from the crowd. As if I have a choice. Sigh.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Keep your mind on the task at hand...Wait, what? What'd you say, dude? Once you choose today's task, stay focused to the finish and don't let idle distractions great, great...That's cool. Cool cool. Heh. You're really funny, you know that? get in your way. Rewards will follow if you spend wisely this week. Dude, seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about, but it's all good.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) Shine on, you crazy diamond. You'll stand out from the rest this week, and could become the center of attention. Ensure you retain your newfound status by keeping in touch with friends. Or, you know, you could just sit around whining all week long about how hard your life is, too.

I apologize in advance if you are an Aries, a Taurus, a Gemini, a Cancer, a Leo, a Virgo, a Libra, a Scorpio, a Sagittarius, a Capricorn, an Aquarius, or a Pisces. No offense. Kidding.



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2:22 AM  
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9:15 AM  

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