please stop tickling me

In which we laugh and laugh and laugh. And love. And drink.

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Location: Portland, Oregon

Otium cum Dignitatae

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Poking Fun at the Functionally Illiterate Since...

(I received this piece of high weirdness in my increasingly-compromised hotmail inbox the other day. I apologize in advance for my crap knowledge of Html and such, causing me to, for some reason, have to write in the same hysterical bold face as this message:)

This mail is serving as an invitation to treat with the above named company. I will not fail to state that I am sorry for encroaching in your privacy I,am the Executive Officer of Uawithya Machinery Co., the leading supplier of high quality Quarry Equipment in Thailand. Established since 1968 we have developed a skilled and dedicated team as well as a reliable network of 10 Service and Distribution Centers.
(Well, I do like my mail to serve as something. I further thank you for not failing to state that you're sorry for encroaching in my...Oh dear. You comma, uh...Are the...'Treat' with You? 'Trade', maybe, but...)

Uawithya is the owner of Chai Explosives: a full range Explosives Manufacturer located in Pak Chong,Thailand It is upon this note that we are writing you this mail to seek your assistance in representing our company in your locality as our RECEIVING AGENT/REPRESENTATIVE.One who will act as a medium for our clients in those locality to be reaching us with their payments and so on.
(I keep forgetting that 'explosives manufacturer' is a proper noun, and must be capitalized. I will not fail to be sorry for that. And you want to put explosives in chai? What sort of monster are you? 'Thailand it is upon this note'? What am I going to be doing for your-AAAHHH! A RECEIVING AGENT? And I'm also supposed to act as a medium for your [presumably dead] clients? 'In those locality to be reaching us with their payments and so on', indeed!)

Note that, if finally aprroved as our Representative,you are entitled to an annual income of $24,000USD and 5% of whatever amount you receive from customers who are making payments for outstanding invoices on behalf of the company, We seek your honest cooperation and assistance to establish a cordial relationship with our clients.To facilitate the conclusion of this transaction
(Well, I always feel entitled to an annual income of $24,000 Real American Dollahs, regardless of whether or not I receive it...And I guess I've already been approved, since you're emailing me out of fucking nowhere and offering me jobs. I'm not certain that my cooperation will be honest, though. I'm just sayin'. The transaction concludes...Abruptly, as if MrMartinsBenjamin [that's what it says his name is] gets killed before he can end transmission.)

(Hmm. I see that we get to type in normal font again. Strange. Well, this next one turned up on Craigslist under the-again, boldface-heading: "UNDERDOG POSTING".)

Looking for real underdogs trying to overcome personal hurtles and
their dreams on a new show for a major cable network.
('Hurtles' like chronic misspelling? And inability to understand that indentation generally implies a new paragraph?)

Are you or someone you know deserving of help from a huge celebrity and
a team of true pros to attain a life long dream while overcoming
obstacles? These obstacles could be fears, disabilities, self-doubt or
any other hindrance in the way of your destiny! We would like to hear
your story, what your goal is, what your obstacles are, and why failure
is truly not an option.
( A big, fat celebrity could, I suppose, come in handy occasionally. A team of true pros? Sure, I'd like that...If only I could find one. Personal-NEW PARAGRAPH! obstacles? Obstacles can be hindrances, and hindrances obstacles, I guess. It's sort of part of an organic whole, and the cycle of life, really...And failure is not an option, in this case, because I think you're talking about the complete failure on my part to live [i.e. death]. Or on the other hand, based on this strange as hell sentence, you might be talking about failure to achieve some as-yet-undefined goal that could, perhaps, just be 'get a job' or something. As Sly Stone said: "I'm the Underdog, but I don't mind, 'cuz I can handle it." Word.)

(This here's from the Willamette Week's personals section. Just by the way: Willy staffers...It speaks volumes about your readership, and indeed your weekly itself that most of your personals ads were written by folks of around or past retirement age. Just saying.)

I'm an outgoing, warmhearted BM in a wheelchair. I am 40 and a DJ. ISO a lady, 40-46, who enjoys music that makes you move from the 50's-80’s. Dinners, movies, quality time. LTR possible. Clean background.
(Never, not even in my meanest mood, would I describe the disabled as a bowel movement. Especially a...Warm...Hearted... Ewww. And I think that it's great that you're forty years old: now stop picking on yourself about being a Dumb Jerk, or Demonic Jackass, or whatever weirdness you kids are describing yourself as these days. And the descriptor regarding music raises several uncomfortable questions: a lot of things made me move from the 1950's-'80's. It was just time to go, you know? I couldn't stay in that particular thirty-year period forever. And secondly, does the music need to make me move around in a wheelchair? Last but not least: 'Clean Background'. Well, for starters, that sounds like a desktop command on one's computer. And I suppose you may mean you don't want people in your life with herpes all over them, but it sounds like you're screening for felons.)

Tall, Fit, SWM, 55, HWP VFW Huge Majestic Priv Wa Coastal Ranch& No Bad Habits.
(Oh, laaadies! There's a ranch over here trying to get your attention! Or maybe the guy is boasting about his majestic property he owns...Wait. Dick joke? Accidentally transposed two seperate ads, horribly, into one? Pleased to see the ranch doesn't have any bad habits, but what ranch does? The other great thing about this puzzling piece of lonely is that the guy fucked up and printed it twice.)

(And of course:)
cxcvdggtttry mjyutyer hdtyrtsrtswe erwerwerwere er werwerwerwerewrwerwer wer werwerwer q
(That was the response in the 'Why you should get to know me' category in one lady's online profile. The rest of it is in English, however. )

(Turning to the news now, this is from CNN's website:)

Brazen snatch highlights crisis
(Ahhh. Don't they

'Naked Chef' urges action on fat U.S. kids

First Person: A reader loses his "Star Wars" virginity!
(There's just nothing like an exclamation point to make an already uncomfortable sentence excruciating.)

('The Note', from ABC online's Political Unit [their choice of word, not mine], is already justifiably famous for its smarmy insider-ness, clumsy use of cultural in-jokes and surreal sentence structure. Let's look:)

In his final public act before he goes abroad to astride the world like a colossal lame duck, President Bush meets with the Big Three automakers at the White House at 1:15 pm ET.
(I just don't think it's fair to use something that's already a metaphor as a lame insult. I'm sorry.)

House Democratic Whip Steny Hoyer (D-MD) holds a pen and pad briefing at 11:00 am ET to discuss the midterm elections and Democratic majority plans for the 110th Congress at H-306 in the US Capitol in Washington, DC. Hoyer is a good vote counter, The Note would Note.
(Just as we here at PSTM would note that that final sentence is cringe-inducing. And why is it even in there? Jeeeziz!)

Gov. George Pataki (R-NY), who is not always listed among those Republicans planning to run for the White House in 2008, delivers the 2006 Albert H. Gordon Lecture at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government in Cambridge, MA at 6pm ET.
(What are you, Note? A gossip columnist? "Say ladies, which eligible bachelor whose name I dare not speak maybe just maybe is running for POTUS of your heart?")

(And from ABC, but not its political unit per se, this headline:)
No end in sight
(But I won't do that to ya'...)



Blogger disco boy said...

great to see you the other day. you are always welcome up north.

i'm planning on posting as soon as i can figure out something halfway interesting to speak upon.,

have a good thanksgiving, y'all.

7:05 PM  

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